* * *
Why is it that every time I move on and start to let some of my guard down, something comes back to jump me? It's like all the memories are hiding behind a bush, just plotting which one's gonna jump out and attack me next. And the same thing happens every time. That's probably why I'm so, so hesitant to let myself do anything that might make my life move up a level on the happy scale. (wow that sounded cheesy). I can never just close a chapter of my life and let it be done with. Because no matter how hard I try to forget it, it makes it's way back into my life.
Did you really need to stop and wait for me? You ignored me for six months, and all of a sudden you decide to stalk me? You were the LAST person I wanted to see in that car. I would've rathered it be some random guy trying to creep me out. At least him I could forget. You, I don't even know. You were gone. I was done with you. You were done with me. We were over, and that's the way it was supposed to stay. But no, you jsut had to insist on driving me home. The whole 2.5 seconds that I was in your car. Did you really think that graduation and Daddy buying you a new car was going to impress me or something? All it really does is make you look like a conceited asshole, which I've already figured out on my own.
I swear, shit like this must be planned. Because every time I try to move on, whatever I'm trying to forget comes back to me. This time it just happened to be driving a brand new Lexus. But thank god his brother was in the car. It would've been even more awkward if it was just us.
* * *
I'm never getting myself into a situation like this again. I can't believe I'm gonna say it, but just the fact that I clearly can't protect myself from getting hurt, I'm bringing back my guard, and I'm staying to myself. Sorry, boy, but Britt's probably wrong anyway. What sucks is that I spent almost all day thinking about him and this past weekend. But I can't let my guard down. It's just not worth it.
Brian asked me today if I think anything's gonna happen. I was telling him about Friday and Saturday and what Britt was saying and I told him not to tell anyone. I told him that I don't want people assuming anything, and if nothing happens I don't want people going ooh, bummer. And he asked if I think anything's gonna happen. I don't know. I wish I did. I get feelings about everything else, why can't I just figure this out? Even knowing that nothing will happen would be SO much easier than waiting 3 FCKING WEEKS to find out. Well, 19 days, now.
I guess I'll tell Elizabeth tonight that nothing's gonna happen. She'll ask why. I'll tell her what happened. She'll get Brian to help convince me. They'll tell me in 20 different ways that I shouldn't let something like this affect it if it's what I really want. The only problem is that I don't know if this is what I really want. I was enjoying not liking anyone. I don't wanna like him, but if I end up... and if anything can happen, then it just might be what I really want.
Gah, I'm so confused. :(
* * *
Just look at yourself, do you like what you see? Look at yourself, is this how it should be? Just look at yourself, cause there's nowhere to go. And you know, tomorrow you're gonna have to live with the things you say. Tomorrow, you'll have to cross bridges that you burned today. Tomorrow, and everything you do is coming back to you. You'll never outrun what waits for you tomorrow. Are you waiting for the reason to change? Are you waiting for the end; has it came? Nothing's gonna stand in your way. Just look at yourself, can you see where you are? Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars. Tomorrow you're gonna have to live with the things you say. Tomorrow, you'll have to cross bridges that you burned today. Tomorrow, and everything you do is coming back to you. You'll never outrun what waits for you tomorrow.
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