Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well.

She never slows down. She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like it's all coming down. She won't turn around. The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down. So stand in the rain; stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down. Stand through the pain; you won't drown, and one day what's lost can be found. Stand in the rain.

* * *

So, maybe this is what I need. For now, anyway. It's not gonna.. cure me, or anything. But, it gives me something to think about, to concentrate on... something that isn't stressful or annoying or pressuring or depressing. And, it's our own thing. Something that no one can take away. Something that, eventually, won't have any restrictions.
Brian asked me to sing with him at a this coffee house that gets set up in a church basement every like 6 weeks or something. We're doing Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. And, it's awesome. We've only just started practicing it on Monday, and we haven't gotten a chance to do it again yet, but we got pretty far in just 15 minutes on Monday.
He texted me while I was on my way home today, saying that we should write a song. And, he's .. awesome at it. I used to be.. okay at writing. Never actual lyrics, though, and never music to go to it. So, I don't know how it's going to come out, but it's worth a try. Maybe we'll write something worth listening to. =p

I have to say. Maybe my mom's right. I mean, most things happen for a reason, but everything? That's hard to believe. I didn't think losing a best friend could ever have a good reason. But.. I don't know that this is so much a reason as.. a coincidence? I don't know. But now that Kristelle's decided to ditch everyone that isn't Delix or John, I find that I'm considering Brian and Elizabeth to be my two best friends. That's not to say that Brittany, Amanda, Sigh, Candice, Tiff, Aylin, Michelle and Em aren't my close friends. Of course I call them my best friends, but Brian and Elizabeth are just like, the two people I trust over, well, everyone. Probably because they care more than anyone else.
And I realize that lately I feel more accomplished. Monday night, I think I fixed a communication error in their relationship. And they both thanked me yesterday. Even just a few weeks ago, my first thought would have been something along the lines of, wasn't me. I should've stayed out. Don't thank me. But I would've thought it while putting on a smile and saying you're welcome. And yesterday.. I knew they meant it.

* * *

I think my mom's given up on finding me a psychologist. I just can't figure it out. Is my age really that terrible that not one person will help me? I mean, I'd been okay for a little while. But just okay. It's I'm easily broken. Like two weeks ago, when Kristelle decided that she was only going to find herself a ride home and leave me to walk alone with a shoebox, two plastic bags of clothes, a textbook, two binders and a purse and I had to get my dad to bring out Kayla in the cold because I couldn't make it home. I came home, threw my stuff across the living room floor and screamed bitch as loud as I could, then hid in my room and stabbed a shoebox with scissors for five minutes because I was just so mad and frustrated and hurt and upset. Or last Monday, when Michelle got mad at me because I wasn't able to finish what I was saying because she kept talking over me and I got annoyed. Things escaladed, I decided that I'd butt out of everyone's lives and Aylin called me rediculous and I cried and didn't talk to any of them the next day. It's things like these that are when I really, desperately need someone to go to. But because I'm 16, nobody wants to believe that there might actually be something wrong that isn't just high school drama. I'd love to go up to one of them and be like, bitch, it took two cops and a panic attack to get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. I seriously think that sometimes that might be the only way to get people to realize that I'm not just annoying.

* * *

I can't wait for this weekend. A day and a half away from this town and everybody in it. That's what I really need. A weekend at camp. With people who don't bother me. Simple. Best friends. Camp. Is that too much to ask for? OB said that Friday night we're gonna be doing mostly camp-type stuff, since we won't really be doing any clean-up after 5 any day, and that we start working Saturday morning at 7. I just might cry, being back up there. I miss it so much. I'd easily trade this house to live there.

* * *

She won't make a sound. Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering, if she stands she'll fall down. She wants to be found. The only way out is through everything she's running from. She wants to give up and lie down. So stand in the rain; stand your ground. Stand up when it's all crashing down. Stand through the pain; you won't drown, and one day what's lost can be found. Stand in the rain.