And I'm the one you can never trust.

cause wounds are ways to reveal us.
And I should've been down in the rivers I've found of token lost.
And I should've been down when you made me insecure.

I am so god damn lazy. I haven't been on here in two months. Screw posting up my journal. Takes way too long. My journal entries are like pages and pages and pages long lately. There's something different wrong everyday. Something new to rant and ramble about. Or something old to rant and ramble about. Whatever happens to be the cause of my anger, hatred, hopelessness, sadness, depression, isolation, etc, that day.

But, at least it's not all out of nowhere.
I finally had my breakdown.
And call me crazy, but I love that it's all documented in one journal.
Start to end.

December 17
"I swear I'm going to snap one day."

December 19
"I don't even have anything to write about anymore. Everything I'm feeling at this point is already spilled out in Shinedown lyrics."

December 22
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so... lifeless. Numb, almost, but not really."
"I find that when I don't cut, I fall apart. Mostly mentally, but physically too. I need to."

December 23
"My life doesn't let me keep good memories anymore."

December 29
"I don't want to die. No. That'd be too easy. I want I need to make myself suffer. Because I don't deserve anything less."

December 31
"I am sick. Disgusting. And weak. So weak."

January 4
"I am so, pathetically weak. And I've got plenty of scars to prove it."
"This is the record of my fall. My final breakdown."
"But I know that if I had the choice of another person, of some, any form of comfort, I' pass it up. Make some lame excuse. That's the way I am. I like to make myself suffer."
"I'm getting worse. I know it. I'm getting worse, and I don't care. Disgustingly, I actually sort of.. enjoy it."
"I really am that unlovable."
"But, my life's not about me, remember? It's about everyone else."

January 5
"I'm so boring and unfeeling. Numb, almost."
"When I'm stressed, I block out the world, because what they say doesn't matter..."
"I'm done pretending."

January 7
"People staring, asking what's wrong. Expecting me to be okay. I can't do it."
".. I'm going to snap. Not possibly, a guarantee."

January 9
"...you can treat someone like they're the center of your world, but they'll still treat you like shit if they want to."

January 12
"But I can't help it. I just don't care."
"That's fine. I suck at life anyway."
"I'm so cold. So cold. I'm paranoid. Easily freaked out. Easily annoyed, insulted, irritable. But above all, I'm still numb."
"How can I be so.. everything, and so.. nothing, at the same time?"

January 13
"So lately, I've been waking up with no idea where I am."

January 14
"I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last. I can't handle people anymore. I need to be alone."

January 16
"I'm not collapsed anymore. Still insane, still.. however I would've described it. But I'm talking to people again."

January 17
"I'm done with my mental breakdown. I'm talking to people, acknowledging the fact that I am indeed still alive. I'm sleeping. I know where I am when I wake up. Went out to lunch today with a bunch of people... Finally. My breakdown is over. I have to admit, though, I didn't hate it."
"Monday... broke completely."
"Honestly, the experience I needed. I wouldn't be against doing that again."


so break me down if it makes you feel right.
and hate me now if it keeps you alright.
so, you can break me down if it takes all your might.
cause i'm so much more than all your lies.