Dear Self.

What's happened to you? You were so sure of things just a week ago. I didn't know it was possible to hide depression from yourself, but apparently you have. You've been sitting in your room since Monday morning. Why? They all keep asking you to go places, and trying to get in touch with you. Well.. no, not really. A couple of your "friends" have texted you, but nobody's really concerned. You know that. That's why you're still here. Staying up all night, sleeping all day. You need to stop. But that's all you want to do lately - nothing. I miss the way you used to be. Just a month ago you were happy - at least, everyone thought so. You're a better actress than I give you credit for.
I don't even know what to say to you anymore. Maybe your friends are right in ignoring you. All you really do is bring them down. You let things get to you and you take it out on them .. to avoid taking it out on yourself. Is this what it's come down to for you? Either lose your friends or lose your blood? My God, you're pathetic. And it's feelings and thoughts like this that put you into these situations. You're way too hard on yourself and you know it. But you can't help it. Every little thing you do, it's never good enough for you. When something goes wrong, you automatically blame yourself - even when it has nothing to do with you. But you cover it up - your first response is, "It's not my fault!" "I didn't do it!" "Don't blame me." But you do. You blame yourself. Then you crawl a little further into your hole.
What happened to taking a day off and figuring everything out? Oh, right. You fell asleep. You give up so easily. A little ironic coming from the person who describes herself as "determined". Why are you so quick to help everyone and everything, except yourself? You're too weak to ask for help. You don't know how. So you take everything that life throws at you and instead of talking about it or showing how you feel, you write it out in your stupid little journal and you keep it to yourself. You let it eat away at you until finally, you break. But even that doesn't help you at all. You come out of it still feeling every bit of resentment against yourself that you had before.
Your biggest problem lately is how hard you try to break this addiction you have. You've gone four and a half months without self injuring, and you hold it over your own head every day. At the first thought that you want to, you kick yourself, call yourself an idiot, and tell yourself how many days you'll be throwing away. You're too impatient to wait for the 135 days to come back. But remember how disappointed you were when you found out it was 134, and not 153? Just the thought made you want to. You're never going to quit this way. You're excuse for doing it alone? Nobody wants to hear it. Nobody understands. And true, maybe they don't understand it if they've never been through it. But ask anyway. You put too much pressure on yourself. You have to be the strong one. You have to be there for your friends and family. You have to be the one giving the advice, not taking it. You have to help, not ask for help. If you want to do anything, you have to do it by yourself. You're on your own. Nobody wants to help you. And you buy into your bull shit like it's the ultimate truth. You've mastered lying to yourself, and everyone you talk to.
"Everybody deserves one day to be selfish."
"There's no shame in asking for help."
"Your friends don't want to see you sad."
"Whether you know it or not, there's always someone who cares."
"You are amazing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
Sound familiar? I'm sure other people would say so. Because these are the things you tell people. The things that you mean 100% when you say it to someone else, but when you think to yourself, you laugh at your pathetic attempts. Everyone else is so much better than you. That's what you think. You'll give up anything for everyone, and everything for anyone. You're never good enough. So how do you explain everything you've accomplished? You're a YAC. You're Okay.. you got me there. Each accomplishment is paired with a failure for you. YAC - NHS. Good grades - not good enough. Ryan's godmother.. the only thing you live for. But the more time you spend with him and Kayla, the clearer it becomes to you that, well, neither one of them ever wants anything to do with you. That, right there, is your ultimate failure.

You let your past haunt you. You let your memories control your mood. You say you don't regret anything, but it seems that when you think back, you regret a lot. You regret those couple years that you had no friends. You regret the summer you forgave someone for blackmailing you. You regret telling so many people so much about yourself. You regret dating people. You regret meeting people, you regret losing people. You regret buying things, you regret putting things back. You regret forgetting a dance move, you regret messing up a move. You regret not defending yourself against Michelle and Emily in September. It kills you, and you want to tell them everything they made you feel. But you never think of the right things to say until it's too late. This is why you're slowly losing everyone that means something to you. Because you don't defend yourself.
You regret talking to Candice about Shane Sunday night. You regret it more than anything right now. Because you know nothing's gonna change. All of that, and you know it's all going to mean nothing in a day or two.

Or is that just what you think?
That's what you're used to. Because that's what happened with Kristelle, every time. Whenever you defend yourself against being stepped on and pushed around, nothing ever changes. Whenever you defend yourself against being ignored and replaced, nothing changes. But something did finally change. She got sick of you. She didn't want you anymore. So you stopped talking. And it killed you. It hurt you more than anything else. You'll never forget the day you spent lunch time in the bathroom stall, crying on the floor, because you finally realized that you just lost your best friend.
It seems to happen every time. Ryan was your first best friend in pre-school. But the teacher separated you two, and you were too young to understand why. Besides, they never gave you a reason. Then Danielle and Rebecca, and you just grew apart. You and Richie's parents stopped talking, and you couldn't see him anymore. Allison and Jessica moved away. You and Kristelle fell apart.
And you try desperately to not let it happen again. It can't happen if you don't let it. So you push people away. You're scared. You try so hard to not let other people hurt you, so you hurt yourself first. It's your only defense, because you won't let yourself hurt someone else. Because everyone's so much better than you.
You let your friends step on you. You let them push you around. You let them do whatever they want. If they ditch you, oh that's fine. They forgot about you? Oh, it was probably your fault. You're the only one that wasn't invited? Wow, that hurts. But it's okay, you'll never mention it. You're like a dog. You do what everyone wants you to, and you let them do whatever they want to you.

You've never experienced a tragedy. Your parents are still married. You weren't born yet when your grandfathers passed. You've never lost someone that you can't live without. You've never been abused. You've never been used. You've never had your heart completely broken in two. But you have cried out your heart and soul by yourself. You have told yourself repeatedly how worthless you are. You have locked yourself in your bedroom or a bathroom and pulled that stupid piece of metal across your skin. And you have no idea why.
Everyone else- they have reasons. Their parents divorced; they lost a family member; they've been through a tragedy. But you won't let yourself be justified, and that only makes it worse.