Here it is again, yet it stings like the first time.

Where did you go once the lights went black?
Look what's become of me.
I've grown to love your disappearing acts; do one more pretty please.
Now the time has come, I just wish I could erase all the damage done.
All this pain, all this heartache.

It seems like every time things are going well, going my way, something has to come around and fuck it all up. All summer long, things were just falling into place. It couldn't get any better. From the very beginning of the summer, everything just seemed to be getting so much better. Everything was going perfectly. I had amazing friends who I saw pretty much every day. I had LMTI that I was involved in and dedicated to. I had somewhere to go, somewhere to be, and people who wanted me there. I wasn't stressed out. I wasn't constantly upset and negative. I hadn't cut in months.
Amanda had been introducing me to new people, like Chaff and Ricky and Ryan. I even started to like Chaff a little bit.. both before and after Brittney told me that he kinda liked me too. Then Amanda got her license, and things started to get even better. We could go places, see people. One night, we went out to dinner with like 10 of the boys and one guy's girlfriend. And, me and Chaff were together all night. Not together together, but he sat next to me, we talked, and on the car ride home I sat between him and Amanda, and we were talking, and every time we turned, one of us would shove into the other. And, it made me really happy. Of course, my only stressor was that I thought Amanda liked him still, and I didn't know what to do.
At that point, though, she had already met Steve, who is amazing to her. They were only friends. But on August 1, we took a trip up to Pearl River, where I met Steve and me and Amanda met his best friend Sputnik.. who's real name is Chris. Fucking Sputnik. Everything was perfect. Really.
For the next week, we were in Pearl River every day but one. And on that one day, Chris had run to Steve's house, excited for us to get there so he could see me, and disappointed that we didn't show. From that day on, Amanda and Steve made it their mission to set us up. They got him to hold my hand, when we had to walk through woods in pitch black. He knows the paths like the back of his hand, and I had never been through them before, so they got him to hold my hand since they had each other and I didn't know where I was going.
On my birthday, I failed my license test. And, I expected it to be the worst day of my summer. But when I texted my closest friends telling them I couldn't come visit because I didn't get it, Amanda's response was, "Okay, so what time do you want me to come pick you up?" It amazes me how loyal my friends are. Probably because the friends I used to spend all my time with would've just said, "Oh.. that sucks. I'm sorry." Later that day, while my sisters, niece, and nephew were over, Amanda and Britt showed up. They walked in my door, holding a Carvel ice cream cake with 18 candles. 17, and one for luck. A few things amazed me there. 1 - They bought me a cake, and showed up at my house to surprise me and cheer me up. 2 - They remembered that it had to be ice cream cake. The only people that ever remember that I can't eat cake. 3 - They cared enough to think of it. That's the day I really realized that I could never ask for better friends than the ones I have now.
Me and Amanda spent the rest of my birthday in Pearl River with Steve and Chris. It was probably the most amazing night I had up there. We brought up our bikes cause they offered to fix them. Then we had a fire. And Chris held my hand again, and later on put his arm around me while we were all sitting in Steve's truck. When he had to go home, we walked him, and me and him sat talking for like half an hour while Amanda and Steve were down the block talking. He hugged me goodnight twice. Amanda called him on the ride home, pretending that I wasn't in the car, asking him about me. He told her that he didn't want to go "too fast" because he didn't want to "scare himself away" because all of his past girlfriends he "didn't really care, but this time is different." That was the last night I'd gotten to see him before he went to South Carolina with his dad.

Baby, I got plans tonight you don't know nothing about. I've been sittin' 'round way too long tryin' to figure you out. Cause you say that you'll call and you don't and I'm spinning my weels. So I'm going out tonight in my red high heels.

When Chris got back from South Carolina, he wasn't the same. He wouldn't hold my hand. He wouldn't hug me. He wouldn't put his arm around me. And it started to annoy him whenever Amanda and Steve would call me his girlfriend - which they'd started doing like, the third day we all were hanging out. For a week this went on, and then me and Amanda went to camp.
Camp is the most amazing place I can think of. There is no other way to describe it. It's the place that changed my life last year, and even moreso this year. I've made amazing friendships and met amazing people, and helped to effect 350 lives for the better.
That week, I tried so hard not to think about Chris, because he was bothering me so much. I couldn't figure him out, and neither could Steve or Amanda. It was bugging Amanda almost as much as it was me. But it was hard. I had tried so hard, and finally succeeded at getting off of work to go to Diablo for his race the Saturday before, and he wouldn't even try to get off to come up to camp on Friday for me. That hurt.
After camp, I didn't see him again. Amanda did. She and Steve talked to him. I like her as a friend. She's cool, but I guess I didn't like her as much as I thought I did. If I really liked her that much, I would've asked her out like the second day. He denied everything he told Amanda on my birthday. And said he'd never get in the car with me again, then continued to criticize my driving.

State the obvious - I didn't get my perfect fantasy. I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me. So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy. That's fine; I'll tell mine you're gay.
I hate that stupid old pickup truck; you never let me drive. You're a redneck heartbreak who's really bad at lying. So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time. As far as I'm concerned - you're just another picture to burn.


I never once imagined that my parents would have problems. They're the perfect couple - almost high school sweethearts, long distance relationship, forget the world, let's get married, grow old together, holding hands in the park kind of relationship.
But.. my dad..
He doesn't really know how to not get annoyed. And it doesn't take much to annoy him lately. And it's driving my mom crazy. He jumps to conclusions. He doesn't give anyone a chance to explain. And he's completely wrong.
I'm moving to my gramma's for college. That I know.
What I don't know - whether or not my mom's still considering moving with me and leaving my dad at home.
They don't believe in divorce. I'm not worried that they'll ever get a divorce. But, I never imagined them even separating. Never.

What's wrong, what's wrong, now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go
To dry her eyes, broken inside.

My cousin didn't even recognize me.
We went to my aunt's house for a bbq and to celebrate my cousin JB's engagement. He's been home from the air force for a year, maybe two. I don't really know. He was in Turkey for a year and a half. He hasn't come to see me since he's been home. He used to be like my brother.
He didn't say a word to me for the first hour or so that I was there. When he finally did speak to me, it was to ask me to move so he could get to the beer cooler. That's when he recognized me. I don't know what wasn't to recognize; I haven't changed since he last saw me, I look just the same.
He was pretty cool for the rest of the night. But he was also drunk. I hate that every time I've seen or talked to him in the past five years he's been drunk. Every time. I wish he'd come visit sober once. I wish he'd call sober once. Justonce.

Hold up, there you go again - putting on that smile again, even though I know you've had a bad day. Doin' this and doin' that; always putting yourself last. A whole lot of give and not enough take. But you can only be strong so long before you break.

I'm trying not to show how stressed out I am. That's my goal this year - to balance everything, to get through it without having to lose anything (including my sanity), and to not let anyone see it getting to me. I have school, VHS, college prep, work, PACK, LMTI, family, and friends to balance. School is piling me with work already - senior year english is ridiculous. My VHS teacher acts like she forgets that we have actual school, and not just her class. I'm working almost everyday and training Candice, because we're the only cashiers there and Candice has only worked there for a day. PACK is trying to do more this year, since we've changed our name and are trying to get our message out stronger than ever. I have LMTI events that I'm basically obligated to go to and the YACs are planning reunions like we'll never see each other again if we don't meet every weekend. I'm trying to keep a good, close relationship with Meg and Heather since Meg already lives an hour and a half away and Heather's moving an hour away. I've already been volunteered by my mom to go up to Meg and Ben's sometimes on Friday nights so they can go out and I can babysit. And, I finally have friends that I actually want to spend time with and we can actually go places now. I don't have time for everything. I already have more school work than I have time for. Even if I give up my social life entirely, I still won't have enough time. I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep a night and I've started relying on energy drinks to get me through the day without falling asleep. And, I drive Jackie in the morning to school for now, so that takes a few extra minutes out of my day, which shouldn't matter, but sometimes can.
But I really don't want anyone to realize how much it's effecting me. I want them to know that I can handle it. And if I discover that I really can't, then maybe I'll look for help. But for now, I can do it, and I will not show my stress.
My mom already told me I'm not allowed to look for a second job anymore. I've been looking since December, but I haven't been able to find anyone who's hiring. I finally found out that Toys R' Us is hiring, a new CVS is opening up next to the high school, and Harmon is hiring, and I can't apply because my mom's afraid I don't have time. When, it wouldn't make a difference in time because I would just work less at D'Angelo's and replace some of the days with my second job. But, I can't. Which is going to kill me because I have car insurance and my cell phone bill (which I need to pay this month) and I have to pay for gas, which is like $120 a month. And I need to start saving up for next year because I won't be living at home. I need a laptop, because my gramma doesn't have a computer, which is gonna cost money. I need to pay for food, and I'll probably give my gramma some money for letting me stay there. Gas is gonna be more frequent because I'll be going back to my parents on the weekends, which is an hour drive. Plus, college is expensive. Just the books alone are ridiculous. So even if I'm not paying tuition cause of the STARS program, I still have expenses that I need to be ready for. And I need to have a job that I can keep while I'm in college. I can't stay and D'Angelo's while I'm with my gramma.

I fell into an old cliche.
Always on the road, only halfway sane.
No hospital can fix what I've become.
I've trapped myself in a ring of fire.
If I say I'm okay, I'm also a liar.
The only way out is through the pain.
How am I gonna get through this?

There's one place that I feel relaxed is at the baseball field that's named after my grampa. It's only 15 minutes away, and it's so easy to get to. I used to go there almost everyday in the summer after I got my license. Since school started, I haven't been able to get there, especially since the rec sports practice there and I don't wanna creep on there practices since it's little kids.
I tried to go the other night. I was about 5 minutes away from the place when I saw a spider crawling inside my windshield. I have the most severe arachnophobia I've ever witnessed. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had a panic attack on a side road 10 minutes from home. I think someone on the street that I pulled over on must've called the cops to find out why I was there, because they showed up. Not like, important call, sirens and lights and anger. More like, he pulled up along side of me and said, "Is everything okay?" I could be wrong. He could've just been driving around, seen my hazards, and felt he should find out what was wrong. But, if I lived in any of the houses around me, I would've called the police. I was hyperventalating still when he got there, so it was hard to tell him what was wrong because I was crying so hard. But he knew what I was saying, and I think he felt bad for me, so he called another cop that was around the corner to make sure I was okay while he checked for the spider. He honestly thought I was going to need an ambulance because I was so bad. But, I ended up gonig home once the spider was out of my car. I don't think I would've freaked out so bad if the spider hadn't disappeared. I would've just taken off my shoe and kill it. But by the time I thought to take of my shoe, the spider had disappeared and could've been anywhere. So that's when I panicked. I felt so ridiculous. It's probably the most embarrassing thing that's even happened to me; also one of the scariest. I'd never had a panic attack before, and I was alone on an unfamiliar street at 9:00 at night.


Hurt me before now; won't hurt no more, now. Not this time. And you might do better messin' with someone else's mind. Cause you're not gonna break me down again. You're done with doin' me the way you did. It's gone to far; you can't break a broken heart. So try your best now, baby, try your best to break me. You can't break a broken heart. No damage you can do now; I'm immune to you now. You can't break what's broke apart. There's nothing you can do to me no more - you can't break a broken heart.

I try to forget about Sputnik. I really do. I don't even want to call him Chris anymore, because when I started to like him, I didn't like calling him Sputnik. I felt like Chris was a cuter name. Because honestly, he's adorable, physically and personality. So, now that everything's all said and done, I don't wanna call him Chris. I'd rather call him Sputnik.
I've told myself, and everyone - and I do mean it - that I want to stay friends with him. He's really cool, and fun. But I have a feeling Steve only hung out with him so much because he was trying to set us up. So I don't know how often I'll see him anymore. And that's okay. Because I'm trying so hard to be over him.
I mean.. I don't like him anymore. That's for sure. I'm still mad at him for being such an asshole. But, I'm still hurt, too. The things he said.. and the lies he told.. I just.. don't understand. If what he told Amanda the last time he talked was all true, it means that nothing else ever was. So how do I know what's real? I don't. So naturally, I assume that the bad is the truth. Because it makes the most sense to me. Because I still don't know how to trust.

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me?
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see.

I don't know what's going on. I was so happy, and now, I'm so not.
For so long, I felt like I was truly getting over my depression.
But it honestly would not surprise me, and would probably make sense to me, if one day I found out I was bipolar. Months of depression, and a period of happiness. Repeat. It's not the first time I've thought this, and it probably won't be the last. But, I'll never find out. Because my mom gave up on finding me a therapist in February. She promised me in May that once school finished she'd keep looking. But she never brought it up again. And, like me always following the crowd, I'm part of the majority of teenagers who are too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help. So I won't bring it up. I've brought it up so many times, and she's blown it off every time. So I'm done. If she doesn't care, then she can watch my breakdowns. She can see every detail. All of it. I'm done hiding from her. I'm done trying. She's never going to believe me unless she witnesses it herself.
So here you go, my first breakdown of the school year won't take long. I'm already crying at 12:30 am. Because I can't take this anymore. It's been a week and a half and I'm already sick of it. I don't want to be like this again, so how the hell do I stop it? I can't. I've been trying. I can't.

If you want the truth, I need to confess. I'm not alright; I'm broken inside. And all I go through, it leads me to you. Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness, until everything I hide behind is gone. And when I'm open wide, with nothing left to cling to, only you are there to lead me on. Cause honestly, I'm not that strong. I'm not alright; I'm broken inside. And all I go through, it leads me to you. I'm not alright - that's why I need you.