I have this awful feeling that just won't go away. Something bad is going to happen, and I can't stop it.
Maybe it's just this transition... I don't know. I couldn't even recognize his house. My past is leaving, sending me into this new life that I don't know how to live. And it's not a bad life- the change is good. But where did it come from? This feeling, it just took over, like it belonged there.And I don't know how to live like this. As much as I want to, and how long I've been trying, I was unexpecting. I'm not ready, so how do I move forward?
Usually my feelings are right. Almost always. And I like that. Almost always. But, this time.. I hope that, just once, it's wrong.
April 9, 2009:
Something is going to happen. Something bad. And I don't know what and I don't know when. But it's going to happen.
I might be crazy. I could be totally wrong. But it's this feeling, and it's staying with me. I can't shake it, and it's bringing me down with it. But why do I take it so seriously? That's why I can't tell anyone. They'd call me crazy, tell me I'm overreacting. And I might be. I probably am. But I can't help it. I've grown to trust these feelings, and this is one of them. And I don't like it.
* * *
So, last night, we left the AMC theater at 11:11pm. I remember the time because I remember as T was pulling out of the parking space, S said, "11:11, make a wish," and no one did. We made it home at about 1:00am. So how did we make a 20-minute drive last two hours? Well, we're all to blame.
Me, B, S and C for talking T into taking all of us, when we all knew she wasn't allowed to.
T for taking us.
C for being a backseat driver and giving her wrong directions and "tips" that she didn't want to hear.
Me and B for confusing the hell out of her (by accident) by countinuously saying, "I know where we are, just keep going straight."
T for freaking out.
S, B, and C for lying to their parents.
S and B telling their parents that my mom was driving us home.
C telling her mom it was just her and T.
Fortunately, we didn't pass a single cop on the way home. Not that they could've pulled us over; we weren't doing anything illegal that doesn't require profiling to find out.
Somehow, we went from 17 South, to Rt. 4, to New York, to .. 286? Something like that. Back to 17, and back to 4. I think seeing the "Welcome to New Jersey" sign was what freaked me out most all night. How long were we in another state, breaking 3 laws at once while cops are out looking for people to do something stupid?
My parents never found out. They don't need to. They were fast asleep before we even left the movie theater, so they had no reason to think they should worry. B's parents found out, and they were okay, as long as she got home safe. C's mom found out, and she was okay, but I don't think she'll ever risk it again. S's mom flipped out. Her dad was super nice about it, but her mom freaked. I don't know about T's parents. I doubt if she would tell them if they have no idea.
[names cut out b/c of someone saying "this never leaves this car."]
I have to say, though, I am a little bit relieved that it happened, because now I know what my bad feeling was. If that's the worst that happens when my feeling is that bad, then I guess I can deal with that. I don't even know what to call it. It's just.. I don't know. It's so weird, how I know things are going to happen. It's actually pretty convenient sometimes. I was able to ease my mom's stress so many times by telling her, "I was right last time. This time I'm sure. It's the same feeling."
* * *
It's a sad picture. The final blow hits you. Somebody else gets what you wanted again and you know it's all the same; another time and place, repeating history, and you're getting sick of it. But I believe in whatever you do, and I'll do anything to see it through. Because these things will change. Can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. It's a revolution; the time will come for us to finally win.
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